Insane City: Read excerpt from Dave Barry’s new book

After a block and a half they came to the Clevelander, a legendary South Beach bar bearing no resemblance to anything that has ever existed in Cleveland. On a small stage next to the packed bar a woman wearing a basically invisible bikini was writhing to inhumanly loud pounding music. Nearby, beneath a sign that said D.J. BOOGA WOOGA was a man wearing black lace-up boots and a purple thong held up by orange suspenders. He was shouting into a microphone: “LAST CALL FOR THE MISS HOT AMATEUR BOD CONTEST! LADIES COME ON UP! FIRST PRIZE IS ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS! COME ON LADIES! LET’S SEE WHAT YOU GOT!”

Standing near the DJ were a dozen young women wearing garments that, if all of them were combined, might have provided enough fabric to make a sock.

“We should stop here,” said Kevin.

“No we shouldn’t,” said Seth. “We need to get to the Ritz.”

“We can’t get to the Ritz,” said Kevin. “Admit it. We tried, and we failed.”

“Plus,” said Marty, “they don’t have Miss Hot Amateur Bod at the Ritz, not to mention D.J. Booga Wooga.”

Seth looked back out at Ocean Drive. Still no taxis.

“Maybe there’s a bus to Key Biscayne,” said Big Steve.

“Shut up, Steve,” said Kevin.

“Come on, Seth,” said Marty. “One drink.”

“OK,” said Seth, dragging his suitcase toward the bar. “One drink.”

* * *

Three hours later, they were on their fifth pitcher of margaritas. The pitchers were $50 apiece, plus a generous tip for Vicki the bartender, with whom Kevin had fallen deeply in love. Kevin was also in love with Cyndi Friend Gonzalez, an outgoing young woman who had finished fourth in the Miss Hot Amateur Bod competition, and who was wearing a dress made from roughly one square inch of some extremely stretchy material. At Kevin’s invitation, Cyndi had joined the Groom Posse at the bar; she had in turn been joined by a friend of hers, a large bald man named Duane.

The posse was not thrilled about Duane, but nobody told him to leave, because in addition to being large, he had an 11-foot Burmese albino python named Blossom draped over his shoulders. Duane made his living collecting tips from tourists who wanted to have their pictures taken with Blossom. He’d been doing this for eight years and considered himself a professional. He also considered himself an ambassador for Miami, and upon learning that Seth was about to get married, he had appointed himself as tour guide.

“This is my town,” he said. “ ¿Se hablo españolo? You need weed? Oxy?”

“I think we’re good,” said Seth.

Duane brandished Blossom. “You want to hold her? No charge for the groom, man.”

“Maybe later,” said Seth, leaning back to avoid Blossom’s flicking tongue.

“Just say the word,” said Duane, pouring Seth and himself another glass from the pitcher, finishing it. Kevin waved to Vicki for another.

The Clevelander was now very crowded and making far more noise than the entire state of Nebraska. The sea-salted night air was warm and sticky and thick with the aromas of spilled beer and cigar smoke and Axe body spray and billowing clouds of do-me perfume worn by women who were not wearing a whole lot else. Seth was staring at one of these women, wondering how she sat down in that dress and hoping she would attempt to do so soon, when he realized that Big Steve was shouting something into his ear, trying to be heard over the all-obliterating boom-boom issuing from the coffin-sized speakers of D.J. Booga Wooga.

“WHAT?” said Seth.

“THE HOTEL!” said Big Steve. He held up his phone so Seth could see the time: 9:30. Seth frowned. He swiveled toward Marty, grabbing the bar to keep from falling off the stool.

“MARTY.”

“WHAT?”

“WE NEED TO GET TO THE HOTEL!”

“WHAT?”

“THE HOTEL!”

Marty frowned deeply for several seconds, processing this concept, then said, “WHAT?”

“Never mind,” said Seth. Realizing it was time to take matters into his own hands, he turned away from Marty and slid smoothly off the stool. He continued sliding smoothly until he found himself on all fours under the bar. He decided to remain that way for a bit, collecting his thoughts.

He’d been down there a while and had yet to collect any when he became vaguely aware of voices shouting above him in the thumping din. He heard his name, and realized that the voices belonged to Marty, Big Steve and Kevin, who, apparently unaware that he was under the bar, were trying to figure out where he was.

“Hey!” said Seth. “Down here!”

They didn’t hear him. Their voices were louder now, and more concerned.

“Hey!” Seth repeated, again going unheard. He thought about attempting to stand up, but at the moment that didn’t seem to be a good idea, or even possible. He decided to collect his thoughts some more and soon fell asleep with his back against the bar.

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Can a Robot Clean Your Windows Better Than You Can?

Home robots like the Roomba and the Neato have legions of fans, myself included. They truly make vacuuming a snap. So could a window-washing robot that costs $ 300 do the same – and is it worth the money? The Winbot is coming to market this spring; to find out if it’s worth your hard-earned dollars, I test it out.

How It Works
The Winbot uses suction (in fact, it sounds like a powerful vacuum) to hold itself onto your windows. You plug it in and give it a base charge, but in addition, you run it plugged in to a socket. The internal battery is only there in case the power goes out – so it won’t lose suction while an alarm alerts you to the power outage.

There is a cleaning pad on the front, a squeegee in the center, and a drying pad on the back. You spray cleaning fluid on the front pad; they provide their own brand and strongly advise it over traditional cleaning fluids, which may have ammonia and which they say could damage the Winbot. Once the pads are dirty, you remove them (they affix with Velcro) and toss them in the washing machine.

The Winbot glides along the window, and when it bumps the frame, it turns itself around and edges up the window to eventually go back in the other direction, systematically cleaning in a series of horizontal lines. The higher end model also works on frameless surfaces like mirrors.

[Related: Stupid or Genius: Ten Craziest New Gadgets]

But How Well Does It Clean?
The Winbot did a good job cleaning the inside of my living room windows. It easily handled my kids fingerprints, spots, and general dirt. Outside it did an equally good job, but I did notice later that on a 5’ X 6’ window, it left two horizontal streaks the width of the window. The company says we probably had too much cleaning solution on the pad. They also suggested using the remote control to go back over any streaks and manually clear them. Overall, my hard-to-reach windows were cleaner than they’ve been in years.

For really serious dirty build-up on exterior windows, the company suggests giving a preliminary spray down or wash with a rag, letting it dry and then using the Winbot; the small pads can only handle so much dirt.

Is It Worth the Money?
$ 300 gets you the base model (which we tested), and $ 400 gets one that also works on frameless windows and mirrors, and has an extra extension cord for high windows.

For ordinary interior window washing, I’m not sold. It isn’t like a robotic vacuum cleaner where you set it and forget it. You have to spray the pads, place the device on each window, and then detach it to move it to the next window. You have to wash the pads and sometimes follow behind it to get rid of a streak here or there. But for really big and hard-to-reach windows, the Winbot made a lot of sense. It did a better job than I would have done on a ladder. And if I regularly had to pay someone to reach those high windows, the Winbot would pay for itself very quickly.

[Related: Worst Ways to Clean Your TV]

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Adorable Tots: Celebs and their Cute Kids!

Jessica Simpson

They grow up so fast! Jessica Simpson shared an adorable pic of her daughter Maxwell standing up on Feb. 1, 2013, tweeting: "My lil dollface is 9 months today!"

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Deadly deserts

Ralph Peters

Violence in Allah’s name in northern Africa won’t end in my lifetime — and probably not in yours. The core question is: To what extent can the savagery be contained?

From the Atlantic coastline to the Suez Canal, struggling governments, impoverished populations and frankly backward societies struggle to find paths to modernization and to compete in a ruthless global economy. Religious fanatics for whom progress is a betrayal of faith hope to block development.

Still, if the only conflict was between Islamist terrorists and those who want civilized lives, the situation could be managed over time. But that struggle forms only one level in a layer cake of clashing visions and outright civil wars bedeviling a vast region. Much larger than Europe, the zone of contention encompasses the Maghreb, the countries touching the Mediterranean, and the Sahel, the bitterly poor states stretching down across desert wastes to the African savannah.

AFP/Getty Images

Figthers of the Islamic group Ansar Dine

The Sahel is the front line not only between the world of Islam and Christian-animist cultures in Africa’s heart, but between Arabs and light-skinned tribes in the north, and blacks to the south. No area in the world so explicitly illustrates the late, great Samuel Huntington’s concept of “the clash of civilizations.”

If racial and religious differences were not challenge enough, in the Maghreb the factions and interest groups are still more complicated. We view Egypt as locked in a contest between Islamists and “our guys,” Egyptians seeking new freedoms. But Egypt’s identity struggle is far more complex, involving social liberals, moderate Muslims, stern conservative Muslims (such as the Muslim Brotherhood) and outright fanatics. The military forms another constituency, while the business community defends its selfish interests. Then there are the supporters of the old Mubarak regime, the masses of educated-but-unemployed youth and the bitterly poor peasants.

Atop all that there’s the question of whether the values cherished by Arab societies can adapt to a globalized world.

The path to Egypt’s future will not be smooth — yet Egypt’s chances are better than those of many of its neighbors. Consider a few key countries in the region:

Mali

Viva la France! (Never thought I’d write that in The Post.) Contrary to a lot of media nonsense, the effective French intervention in Mali demonstrates that not every military response to Islamist terror has to become another Afghanistan: The French are welcome.

As extremists invariably do, al Qaeda in the Islamic Maghreb (AQIM) and its allies rapidly alienated their fellow Muslims — after hijacking a local uprising. The local version of Islam is far more humane and tolerant than the Wahhabi cult imposed by Islamist fanatics. To the foreign extremists, the Malian love of Sufi mysticism, ancient shrines and their own centuries of religious scholarship are all hateful — as is the Malian genius for music that’s pleased listeners around the world.

Have a comment on this PostOpinion column? Send it in to LETTERS@NYPOST.COM!

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Hollywood cardiologist’s ties with St. Jude sales rep raises red flags

Mark Sabbota, a Hollywood cardiologist, regularly implants $5,000 pacemakers in patients at Memorial hospitals in South Broward — generating, last year alone, more than a half-million dollars in sales for a manufacturer called St. Jude Medical.

Sabbota, public records show, also happens to be partners with a St. Jude sales rep in two corporations that run frozen yogurt shops.

What’s yogurt got to do with healthcare?

Perhaps nothing. Perhaps a lot. The question is connected to an on-going lobbying battle in Washington over a pending disclosure policy intended to more clearly reveal financial ties between physicians and the healthcare industry — often-murky relationships that have produced a long history of whistle-blower lawsuits, federal investigations and fines.

Sabbota, in a brief interview, adamantly denied any conflict of interest. “There has been no wrongdoing at all,” he said.

Memorial spokeswoman Kerting Baldwin also said the hospital saw no problem with the yogurt arrangement. As a “community” doctor, not a staff employee, Baldwin said Sabbota can select from a list of pacemakers approved by the hospital but has no say over what companies made the list.

“As for why he prefers to use St. Jude, I won’t speak for him,’’ she said. “You’d have to ask him that.”

But several medical ethics experts said such relationships fall in a gray area. They raise what Kenneth Goodman, bioethics director at the University of Miami, called “red flags” about whether the doctor’s motivation in choosing a device “is something other than the best interests of the patient.”

“Maybe it’s just a good business arrangement that has nothing to do with the devices he chooses,” said Charles D. Rosen, a California physician who is co-founder of the Association for Medical Ethics. “But the issue is public disclosure and transparency. You as a patient should have the right to know about a doctor’s financial relationships with companies.”

Concerns about the relationship between doctors and healthcare companies have been simmering for years. Americans are so suspicious of doctors’ connections that, in a 2008 Pew Charitable Trusts survey, 86 percent of patients said doctors should not be allowed to get free dinners from drug makers and 70 percent said doctors shouldn’t even be allowed to get free notepads and pens.

The 2010 Affordable Care Act includes a provision intended to address some aspects of these often-cozy relationships. Starting Jan. 1, healthcare companies were supposed to publicly post how much they were paying doctors. But that provision has been held up in the White House by intense lobbying.

“I don’t know why the hold-up, except the intense opposition of the industry,” Rosen said. His group, including members of the Harvard Medical School and Cleveland Clinic, wrote a letter to the Obama administration last month protesting the delay.

The group complains that the healthcare industry is trying to soften the rules so that foreign subsidiaries and doctors engaged in clinical trials wouldn’t have to reveal payments. But even if the disclosure rules are implemented, a side deal like Sabbota’s yogurt company would not have to be revealed under the new law, Rosen said.

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At University of Miami, Justice Sonia Sotomayor gets real

From her days as a young girl in the Bronx being raised by her mother after the death of her father to becoming the first Hispanic on the highest judicial body in the country, U.S. Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor told the story of her journey before a captivated audience at the University of Miami on Friday night.

Sotomayor spoke with University of Miami President Donna E. Shalala at the BankUnited Center to University of Miami students, Coral Gables residents and perhaps a future Supreme Court justice about the inspiration behind her recently published memoir My Beloved World.

“Love and passion, that is the only way you do something well,” Sotomayor said. “Do a few things, but do them well.”

Sotomayor, 58, spoke of the many things that inspired her to share her story with the world, one of which was in responses to questions she hadn’t expected during her confirmation process, such as how children cope when a parent dies, especially if they don’t have a mother like hers.

“I began to understand that I couldn’t talk to every child in the country,” Sotomayor said. “I could give them the answers in a book.”

One child she did embrace and speak with on Friday evening was a young girl in the audience named Madeline. Madeline, who was introduced by Shalala, and Sotomayor turned out to have one thing in common: a love for Nancy Drew.

Sotomayor credits the lessons she learned from the fictional tales of a young girl detective as one of the motivations for her successful career.

“When she [Nancy Drew] was trying to solve people’s problems,” Sotomayor told Madeline, “she was trying to help people.”

“I think too many young lawyers forget that the law is the noblest profession you can enter,” Sotomayor said. “What you do is helping people.”

When asked what other profession she would have ever considered going into, Sotomayor said there was not one. “This fish found her pond, and she ain’t changing it,” Sotomayor said.

Shalala questioned Sotomayor about her life as a diabetic, which her memoir speaks of at great length.

“If you have diabetes and want to live a full life, you figure out how to have both things,” Sotomayor said.

She was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes at 8 and she credits living with the chronic illness with teaching her discipline. “Every moment of every day I am self-monitoring inside,” Sotomayor said.

That constant discipline, she said, teaches you to do things like monitoring diet, something she feels everybody should do.

With many students in the audience, she was asked about her scariest experience in law school.

“Being there,” Sotomayor chuckled. “If you think you are smart in college, you realize how dumb you are.”

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Sony Teases ‘The Future’ of PlayStation in Short #PlayStation2013 Video

Sony‘s CEO, Kazuo Hirai, said he would let Microsoft “make the first move” when it came to releasing a next-generation game console, according to IGN’s Daniel Krupa. But now the official PlayStation blog is teasing viewers with a video entitled “See the Future,” with the #PlayStation2013 Twitter hashtag.

Whatever the future is, it’s apparently got something to do with Feb. 20, the date mentioned in the video. But when it gets here, what will it be like?

PlayStation2013 probably isn’t the actual name

Previous rumors have suggested the next PlayStation console won’t be called the PlayStation 4, because the number 4 is associated with death in Japanese culture. If Sony’s willing to break with its numbering scheme because of tradition, it may be unlikely to tag the actual new PlayStation console itself with the number 13, which is regarded as unlucky in the United States.

Much more powerful hardware

This one’s a given. Unlike in the PC and tablet gaming world, where hardware is regularly updated and improvements tend to be incremental, video game consoles tend to wait years to update before leaping ahead — if you don’t count the two smaller redesigns the PS3 has had over the years while keeping the same performance, anyway, or the introduction of the PlayStation Move controller.

The PlayStation 3‘s big performance draw was its ability to play games on an HDTV, with an upgrade to graphics realism to match. A report by Kotaku’s Luke Plunkett last year suggests that the new PlayStation console may be able to play 3D games (on a 3D HDTV, that is) in 1080p resolution, or regular games in 4096×2160. The latter would basically require a TV as sharp as Apple’s Retina Display.

Far fewer games?

The same report, however, suggests that — as Sony eventually did with the PlayStation 3 — the “PlayStation 4″ may not be able to play any games from the previous generation of consoles.

The PlayStation 3 debuted with the ability to run PlayStation 2 games, but this required it to have both of the PS2′s processor chips inside it. This console-within-a-console design helped push the PS3′s launch price up to $ 599, and Sony soon dropped one of the chips before abandoning them completely. Today’s PlayStation 3 consoles can only play the handful of PS2 games that have been re-released digitally (and are bought separately) on the PlayStation Network.

No place like Home

If the new PlayStation console can’t run PS3 games, that may mean the end of PlayStation Home, Sony’s virtual world and social gaming platform in the style of Second Life (but with Facebook-style games). IGN’s Andrew Goldfarb notes that Sony recently filed a trademark on “BigFest,” however, which it describes as an “online player networking” service in similar terms as PlayStation Home.

Jared Spurbeck is an open-source software enthusiast, who uses an Android phone and an Ubuntu laptop PC. He has been writing about technology and electronics since 2008.

Linux/Open Source News Headlines – Yahoo! News

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Brandi Glanville Talks Plastic Surgery and Says She's Done Talking About Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes

Brandi Glanville's new tell-all, Drinking and Tweeting: And Other Brandi Blunders, is chock-full of juicy stories about her ex husband Eddie Cibrian, but The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star says that after promotion wraps on the book, she will no longer speak out about the actor and his wife LeAnn Rimes.

Pics: LeAnn Rimes Defends Self with Teeny Weeny Bikini Photos

"As soon the book tour is over, I'm done. I'm not gonna be talking about them publicly," vows Brandi of the topic that has gotten her into a bit of trouble in the past. "I won't be answering questions about them publicly, this is my final chapter. This is all my side of the story is in the book and then I'm done."

As Brandi's book tour has yet to conclude, Eddie is still fair game.

In Drinking and Tweeting, out February 12, Brandi reveals that she took revenge on her ex by sticking him with a $12,000 credit card bill for vaginal rejuvenation surgery after finding out about his extra-marital affair with LeAnn.

Related: LeAnn Rimes On Twitter War with Brandi Glanville

Now swearing off invasive surgeries, Brandi has found more inventive ways to look young. Instead, the RHOBH star has opted for a visit to Beverly Hills dermatologist Dr. Simon Ourian to get cosmetic fillers injected into her hands, which she says are starting to look "old."

Watch the video to follow Brandi during the procedure!

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Elderly SI man fatally struck while crossing the street near his home

An elderly man was struck and killed crossing the street near his home in Staten Island, police said.

Bujar Hasimja, 72, and a woman, 64, were walking across Jefferson Avenue near Mason Avenue in Dongan Hills when a gray Nissan Armada making a left turn hit them about 7:30 p.m. yesterday, cops said.

EMS rushed the two pedestrians to Staten Island University Hospital, but Hasimja did not survive, authorities said. The woman was listed in stable condition.

The driver stayed on the scene, and no criminality is suspected, police added.

Hasimja lived near the scene of the accident.

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Healthcare experts see bumpy road ahead: “Shift happens”

The healthcare industry in South Florida, like the rest of the country, faces huge challenges in the year ahead as major federal reforms kick in, experts told about 700 people at a University of Miami conference on Friday.

“We are at a critical time in health policy,” said Mark McClellan, former head of the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services. “There are going to be some bumps along the way,” especially starting in 11 months, when the biggest changes in the Affordable Care Act kick in.

“Bumps may be understating what we may go through,” said Patrick Geraghty, chief executive of Florida Blue, the state’s largest health insurer.

They spoke at the conference on the Business of Healthcare Post-Election. The speakers accepted the federal reforms — often referred to as Obamacare — as not only inevitable but necessary. As Tom Daschele, a former Democratic U.S. senator from South Dakota, put it, “having 50 million uninsured is just unacceptable.”

But the reform act, signed into law in 2010, contains more than 2,000 pages, plus thousands of pages more of enabling regulations — details that will have major, and perhaps unexpected, impacts on the healthcare industry, which now makes up almost 20 percent of the nation’s economy.

In October, insurance exchanges will open for enrollment — groups that will allow individuals and small businesses to purchase policies with no exclusions for pre-existing conditions. Starting next January, virtually everyone will be required to have insurance, Medicaid will expand in many states, and businesses with more than 50 full-time equivalent employees will be required to provide insurance or pay fines.

“Jan. 1 is a very significant date,” said Steven Ulllmann, director of health policy programs at the UM business school. He called reforms “a process” that will change over time.

“The one thing we know is that healthcare reform will be reformed,” said Chris Jennings, a Washington health policy advisor for the Clinton administration and three senators.

Karen Ignagni, president of America’s Health Insurance Plans, the insurers’ trade group, said she had strong ideas about tweaks that could minimize disruption. One arcane, but crucial provision of the law requires that an older person’s policy can be no more than three times as expensive as a young person’s.

The provision will mean huge increases in the policies of younger persons, to pay for the much higher costs of their elders. Insurers are asking for that policy to be postponed for two years, retaining the present maximum spread of about five to one, so that younger people could sign up for insurance without huge sticker shock.

For example, if a 25-year-old pays $100 and a 60-year-old pays $500, the new rule would hike the younger person’s premium to $150 and cut the older person’s premium to $450 — a 50 percent increase for one and a 10 percent decrease for the other.

The thinking of lawmakers was that by lowering ratio, the costs of healthcare would be spread out and shared more equally by the population.

Anne Phelps, a healthcare principal with Ernst & Young, said she favored another change in the law, which now requires that next year a company with the equivalent of 50 employees to provide insurance for anyone working more than 30 hours a week or pay a fine. She thought the threshold should be raised to 32 or 34 hours.

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